Scientists have this week come up with a reason into why the England
football team have failed to perform to their full ability in recent
months - the colour of the shirt. Using top midfielders Stuart Downing
and Phillip Neville, of Middlesbrough and Everton respectively, for
their experiments, football scientists have discovered that players can
only respond to colours similar to that of the shirts of their current
club.
These conclusions were made after the two stars were asked to sit alone
in a dark room, which contained a screen and a projector, which
projected a bold colour on to the screen every 20 seconds. Whilst
Downing was unresponsive as as the colours of white, green, blue, yellow
and purple were presented before him, upon the showing of red he was
heard to shout
"Red! The fine hue of the mighty Boro! The Riverside, Gareth Southgate,
Glory, Glory, oh yes!, how I love all things Middlesbrough!"
before the colour black was shown, and Downing instantly fell silent.
Scientist Dr Gayton Boneham, after speaking to the England winger at
the experiment's end said
"Stuart had no recollection of his exclamations after the experiment
was over, when I asked him if perhaps his commitment to England, who
play in white, was not quite what it was for his club, who play in red,
he was adamant that his international commitment was unparalleled and he
will silence his critics imminently"
However, Downing later admitted that as England play in white, instead
of Middlesbrough's red, he often gets confused as to which side he's
playing for when out on international duty:
"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Middlesbrough's red, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty" the 23 year old stated.
A similar outcome developed when when Everton midfielder Phillip
Neville was tested next. Upon being presented with a blue screen,
Neville was heard to bellow "Blue, blue, the blue of Everton, of which
my loyalty now lies, hurrah for the Toffees!". Once again, the player
fell silent as another colour was projected seconds later.
When questioned post experiment if he has trouble adapting to the
colour of the England shirt when he was required to do so, Neville
responded with:
"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Everton's blue, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty"
This remarkably similar statement have led Dr Boneham and his team to
believe that it is the National team's shirt that is the source of the
current woe washing over Steve McClaren's squad.
While the experiment has been met with doubts, one being that Downing
and Neville are possibly not the best subjects to base such an
experiment regarding the entire England team on, its results are set to
radically reform the England set up. England boss McClaren and the FA
insist that changes must be made to the player's on field attire. One
suggestion put forward by FA Chief Brian Barwick was that the players
all wear their club shirts whilst on international duty. This was
instantly rejected by the remaining members of the FA boardroom, who
labelled the idea as 'retarded'.
Another idea that was looked upon more favourably, from an, as yet,
unknown source, suggested that the England team should keep the
traditional white shirts, but each player should wear a set of glasses
with coloured tinted lenses, that resemble the shirts of each player's
club. For example, Steven Gerard of Liverpool would be required to wear
spectacles with red lenses, so the white England shirt would appear red,
while Frank Lampard of Chelsea would wear blue lens glasses.
Aaron Lennon and Paul Robinson of Tottenham would not require any specs
at all, while it was decided for the sake of his mental health, it was
best that Keiron Dyer of Newcastle was no longer selected for England
duties.
football team have failed to perform to their full ability in recent
months - the colour of the shirt. Using top midfielders Stuart Downing
and Phillip Neville, of Middlesbrough and Everton respectively, for
their experiments, football scientists have discovered that players can
only respond to colours similar to that of the shirts of their current
club.
These conclusions were made after the two stars were asked to sit alone
in a dark room, which contained a screen and a projector, which
projected a bold colour on to the screen every 20 seconds. Whilst
Downing was unresponsive as as the colours of white, green, blue, yellow
and purple were presented before him, upon the showing of red he was
heard to shout
"Red! The fine hue of the mighty Boro! The Riverside, Gareth Southgate,
Glory, Glory, oh yes!, how I love all things Middlesbrough!"
before the colour black was shown, and Downing instantly fell silent.
Scientist Dr Gayton Boneham, after speaking to the England winger at
the experiment's end said
"Stuart had no recollection of his exclamations after the experiment
was over, when I asked him if perhaps his commitment to England, who
play in white, was not quite what it was for his club, who play in red,
he was adamant that his international commitment was unparalleled and he
will silence his critics imminently"
However, Downing later admitted that as England play in white, instead
of Middlesbrough's red, he often gets confused as to which side he's
playing for when out on international duty:
"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Middlesbrough's red, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty" the 23 year old stated.
A similar outcome developed when when Everton midfielder Phillip
Neville was tested next. Upon being presented with a blue screen,
Neville was heard to bellow "Blue, blue, the blue of Everton, of which
my loyalty now lies, hurrah for the Toffees!". Once again, the player
fell silent as another colour was projected seconds later.
When questioned post experiment if he has trouble adapting to the
colour of the England shirt when he was required to do so, Neville
responded with:
"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Everton's blue, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty"
This remarkably similar statement have led Dr Boneham and his team to
believe that it is the National team's shirt that is the source of the
current woe washing over Steve McClaren's squad.
While the experiment has been met with doubts, one being that Downing
and Neville are possibly not the best subjects to base such an
experiment regarding the entire England team on, its results are set to
radically reform the England set up. England boss McClaren and the FA
insist that changes must be made to the player's on field attire. One
suggestion put forward by FA Chief Brian Barwick was that the players
all wear their club shirts whilst on international duty. This was
instantly rejected by the remaining members of the FA boardroom, who
labelled the idea as 'retarded'.
Another idea that was looked upon more favourably, from an, as yet,
unknown source, suggested that the England team should keep the
traditional white shirts, but each player should wear a set of glasses
with coloured tinted lenses, that resemble the shirts of each player's
club. For example, Steven Gerard of Liverpool would be required to wear
spectacles with red lenses, so the white England shirt would appear red,
while Frank Lampard of Chelsea would wear blue lens glasses.
Aaron Lennon and Paul Robinson of Tottenham would not require any specs
at all, while it was decided for the sake of his mental health, it was
best that Keiron Dyer of Newcastle was no longer selected for England
duties.
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