Celebrity news with Graham Chips

This week's celebrity news with Britain's top showbiz detective Graham Chips

Cricket legend Ian Botham refused to comment on tearaway cricketer
Andrew Flintoff when he was interviewed this week. "I only talk about
wheat now, ask me about wheat" said the wheat loving sports star

Lily Allen has lashed out at Martin Luther King in her latest myspace
blog. "All this civil rights stuff is a load of old b*****ks, when was
the last time he had a number one single?" wrote the privileged singer

Kate Moss doesn't care if she is done up the arse by a dinosaur. "Bring
it on - they don't scare me!" said the coked up British icon

Elton John has refused to apologise to France after calling all french
people w*nkers last week. "I'm Elton John, I can do as I please" said
the chunky singer

Preston from celebrity Big Brother insists that he is still famous. "I
was in the Ordinary Boys" said the smug young man to everyone he saw
last week.

John Prescott has no plans to launch a pop career in the near future.
"Rub my tummy" said the former deputy prime minister

STARS ATTEND PREMIERE FOR NEW HANCOCK PICTURE

Crowds gathered in the terrestrial rain at Leicester Square last night
to greet the stars at the premiere of Nick Hancock's new film "Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares". The picture is believed to be the filmmaker's most controversial to date, fusing Hancock's usual brand of madcap humour with footage of radical Islamic Terrorist plots, rather than the clips of lower league football that have made him famous.

As it has with all his previous films, Hancock's latest venture has
received its fair share of pre release criticism. Critics have so far
lamented Hancock for straying too far from his usual area of expertise, and that his unique style of humour will not transfer effectively to footage of death and suffering as it does with football based bloopers. Hancock's general ignorance on the subject of Radical Islam has also caused concern amongst screen watchdogs, who fear phrases such as 'Allah Ballah bing bong' or "The Man in the Iron Mosque" that can be found in Hancock's narration will cause offence to and provoke a backlash from British Muslims.

At the premiere last night, Hancock, who dazzled the crowd wearing a
sensational purple Versace Ball gown, defended his work saying:

"This is exactly what was said about "Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares" when it was released all those years ago. No one before me dared to see the funny side of football - now it happens all the time. Shows like Soccer AM or Fantasy football often mix the beautiful game with humour - it has become the norm; I fully believe that in a couple of years, the same will be thought of about Jihad"

When asked if he was concerned with the criticism, especially as no one had yet seen the film, Hancock responded with

"I fully expected it. For decades artists like myself have been hounded over our work that time has since proved to be highly influential and a pioneering force, so I'm not at all concerned. I've beaten them before, I'm certain I'll do it again"

Patient fans waited for hours in the rain to catch a glimpse of celebrities and they were not left dissapointed. Amongst those who arrived were Danny Baker, who signed 3 autographs, Bobby Ball and pop singer Kavanagh.

"Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares" is released nationwide this Friday.

Last nights T V, 18th July 2001

24

This much hyped new black comedy from the USA, which made its UK debut
transmission on BBC2 last night turned out to be a huge disappointment.
In fact "24" barely produced half that number of laughs in its entire 40
minute running time. The series follows wacky Jack Bauer, played by the
usually reliable Keifar Sutherland, as he tries to juggle his chaotic
home life with his equally eventful career as a government terrorist
agent. The Bauer family consists of wisecracking wife Terri, played
by Leslie Hope, who's constant look of fear stifles her already weak gags,
and teenage tearaway Kim (Elisha Cuthbert), who's painfully unfunny
performance offers no sanctuary to Jack and Terri's lack of humour.
Bauer's workplace, the Counter Terrorism Unit, does not fare any
better. Awful visual jokes involving big chins and facial hair failed to
raise a smile, and the deadpan delivery of dialogue left me feeling
cold. We are also introduced to a second family in the course of the
episode, that of black presidential candidate David Palmer, but alas. no
relief here either - laughs are forced as smutty innuendo about rape and
murder become the order of the day with this entirely unoriginal "family
from hell".
The main problem with "24" is that it tries to fuse a number of comedy
styles at once, but fails miserably at every one. I feel that the
programme makers have spent far too much time trying to make it 'cutting
edge' and as a result have forgotten to make it funny. There are just
too few jokes, often huge chunks of laugh free dialogue come and go with
only a tired gag at the end to show for it. Another concern is that the
studio audience stay deadly silent during the majority of the programme,
suggesting to me that if the studio can't get their own audience to take
in the poor jokes and excruciating slapstick of Bauer and co, how do
they expect to convince viewers worldwide?
In this day and age, there really is no need for comedies like "24"
that are all hype and no humour. All in all, I can name well over 24
reasons why "24" is to be avoided, the first and foremost being it is not
funny.          

SOCK THIEF BUSHELL SEIZED BY POLICE

Gary Bushell, one of the country's leading tabloid journalists, is today in
Police custody after being arrested at his London home late last night. The
bearded journalist, 53, has been accused of stealing millions of pounds worth of
socks, with a sizable amount of pairs found in the star's home following a
police raid on his flat in north London. Police estimate the street value of the
seized clothing to be in the region of '2 to 3 million pounds', with Bushell now
facing a lengthy community service sentence if found guilty on charges of theft.

Suspicions of Bushell's activities first arose two weeks ago, when the London
Metropolitian police received an anonymous phone call, claiming that Bushell had
been seen racing out of a house in Lewisham clutching two plastic bags filled
with assorted socks. With an approximate number of 5 million reported sock
thefts remaining unsolved every year in the London area alone, not including an
undoubtedly higher number of unreported sock incidents, the Metropolitan Police
believed this sighting to be a significant lead.

Chief inspector Nigel Gumm last night spoke of the investigation that resulted
in Bushell's arrest. He said

"Sock theft has for years gone unnoticed as most people will put their
disappearance down to their own stupidity, believing that they themselves have
"just lost them". As a result the socks are quickly replaced and 95% of the
time, the crime goes unreported. Having seen the amount of socks Bushell had in
his possession last night, we here suspect that the reasons for these missing
socks are far more sinister than mere misplacement, and by catching Bushell, we
have helped to prevent many more socks being taken from their owners"

Bushell meanwhile has told police that the seized items were all legally payed
for, and in a statement read out by his lawyer after the arrest claimed his
reasoning for owning so many pairs of socks was because he

"really, really like socks". "Why should a man be reprimanded because he likes
to collect - are Disc Jockeys arrested because of they own large numbers of
records? Why am I being singled out because my collection is unique. Its
ridiculous" the statement went on to read.

The Journalist's arrest has opened up debate throughout the country about sock
misplacement, with many people now convinced he is responsible for their own
socks going missing. Mabel Price of Northamptonshire told us

"The fact that Bushell has managed to make his crimes look as if it was the
victims fault shows what a dangerous man he is. For years, I believed that my
socks went missing because I had lost them, but now I know it was Bushell all
along, I am very very angry that he has managed to do this time and time again."

George Mildred of Kent thought that he saw saw Bushell in his home six months
ago, but like so many, dismissed what he saw as nothing important
"I did see what looked like a bearded man crawling around in the Living room a
few months back, but I thought it was just the dog - they do look quite
similar.Now I think about it there are a couple of pairs of socks that I haven't
seen in a while, so it could have been him"

Even friends of Bushell spoke of sock based experience they've had with him in
the past which at the time they did not feel was suspicious. Fellow "The Sun"
journalist Trevor 'backstabber' Simon said this shortly after Bushell's arrest

"I do remember when Gary was last at my house he asked me if he could borrow a

pair of my socks for work the next day as he had ran out of clean ones. I never

did get them back. Seeing the amount of socks that were in his house last night,
I'm now struggling to believe that he had genuinely ran out of clean ones"

Bushell's court case is due to begin on 7th May 2007. If found guilty he faces a
14 year community service punishment with an additional fine of up to £30,000. It is as yet unknown what will become of the woolen footwear

SPORT: ENGLAND SHIRTS BLAMED FOR CURRENT POOR FORM

Scientists have this week come up with a reason into why the England
football team have failed to perform to their full ability in recent
months - the colour of the shirt. Using top midfielders Stuart Downing
and Phillip Neville, of Middlesbrough and Everton respectively, for
their experiments, football scientists have discovered that players can
only respond to colours similar to that of the shirts of their current
club.

These conclusions were made after the two stars were asked to sit alone
in a dark room, which contained a screen and a projector, which
projected a bold colour on to the screen every 20 seconds. Whilst
Downing was unresponsive as as the colours of white, green, blue, yellow
and purple were presented before him, upon the showing of red he was
heard to shout

"Red! The fine hue of the mighty Boro! The Riverside, Gareth Southgate,
Glory, Glory, oh yes!, how I love all things Middlesbrough!"

before the colour black was shown, and Downing instantly fell silent.

Scientist Dr Gayton Boneham, after speaking to the England winger at
the experiment's end said

"Stuart had no recollection of his exclamations after the experiment
was over, when I asked him if perhaps his commitment to England, who
play in white, was not quite what it was for his club, who play in red,
he was adamant that his international commitment was unparalleled and he
will silence his critics imminently"

However, Downing later admitted that as England play in white, instead
of Middlesbrough's red, he often gets confused as to which side he's
playing for when out on international duty:

"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Middlesbrough's red, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty" the 23 year old stated.

A similar outcome developed when when Everton midfielder Phillip
Neville was tested next. Upon being presented with a blue screen,
Neville was heard to bellow "Blue, blue, the blue of Everton, of which
my loyalty now lies, hurrah for the Toffees!". Once again, the player
fell silent as another colour was projected seconds later.

When questioned post experiment if he has trouble adapting to the
colour of the England shirt when he was required to do so, Neville
responded with:

"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Everton's blue, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty"

This remarkably similar statement have led Dr Boneham and his team to
believe that it is the National team's shirt that is the source of the
current woe washing over Steve McClaren's squad.

While the experiment has been met with doubts, one being that Downing
and Neville are possibly not the best subjects to base such an
experiment regarding the entire England team on, its results are set to
radically reform the England set up. England boss McClaren and the FA
insist that changes must be made to the player's on field attire. One
suggestion put forward by FA Chief Brian Barwick was that the players
all wear their club shirts whilst on international duty. This was
instantly rejected by the remaining members of the FA boardroom, who
labelled the idea as 'retarded'.

Another idea that was looked upon more favourably, from an, as yet,
unknown source, suggested that the England team should keep the
traditional white shirts, but each player should wear a set of glasses
with coloured tinted lenses, that resemble the shirts of each player's
club. For example, Steven Gerard of Liverpool would be required to wear
spectacles with red lenses, so the white England shirt would appear red,
while Frank Lampard of Chelsea would wear blue lens glasses.
Aaron Lennon and Paul Robinson of Tottenham would not require any specs
at all, while it was decided for the sake of his mental health, it was
best that Keiron Dyer of Newcastle was no longer selected for England
duties.