Brit Awards 2009

The stars of British music were out in force at the annual Brit Award’s ceremony at Earl’s Court last night with several surprises amongst the winners at the annual celebration. Favourites Coldplay sensationally walked away empty handed, losing out in all four of the categories for which they had been nominated. In addition, the multi million selling four-piece were ordered to hand over their wallets, jewellery and items of clothing to staff at gunpoint, and were left to wander home naked, penniless and humiliated.

The biggest surprise of the night however belonged to the Best British Breakthrough Act category. Female solo artists Adele and Duffy were left dumfounded as they were pipped to the post by footballer Solomon Kalou. Kalou, who is not British and has never released any music in any format was greeted with a rapturous response as he took to the stage to collect his award, previously won by the likes of The Fratellis and Mika. The athlete appeared lost and confused as he thanked the audience and his Chelsea teammates for what is undoubtedly the biggest accolade of his career.

As expected, all four international categories including “Best Album” and “Best International Female” were won by President Barack Obama, who unfortunately did not attend the ceremony as he had “other matters to attend to”. However, an email sent by a white house representative, featuring exceptionally foul language, was read to the audience by former foreign secretary Geoffrey Howe upon each Obama victory.

The night also focussed heavily on the “Brit School”, who’s alumni include The Kooks and Bruno Brookes. A nuclear weapon was set to explode if the Croydon based youth academy was not mentioned at least four times every minute.

The night, as is so common at the Brit Awards, was not without incident. Joint host Sue Barker, who was jeered throughout, finally lost patience in the second hour, grinding the show to a halt as she dived into the audience and savaged portly Radio 1 disc jockey Chris Moyles, of whom she believed to be responsible for the majority of the abuse. Quick thinking co host Bernie Clifton then hastily mentioned the Brit School three times during the violence, narrowly avoiding Nuclear disaster. Moyles was taken to hospital shortly afterwards, and is said to be in a critical condition.

The whole show was broadcast live on ITV1, although the estimated 2 million viewers at home did not witness any presentations or speeches, due to scheduled advertising breaks.

Conservatives shock parliament with outlandish election plan

The Conservative Party today unveiled a bold new tactic in a move that has sent pulses racing throughout Westminster. A 10 foot 6 inch clone of leader David Cameron, created by scientists funded by the University of Leicester was revealed to the public at a 9am press conference at Party headquarters. “With this giant version of me I believe the Conservatives have sent a serious message to the British public that we are ready to govern.” Cameron said “A message to Labour that enough is enough – the time for change is now!” boomed his colossal double with hands the size of deckchairs.

Polls have already shown an increased swing to the Conservatives, with public expressing a positive response to the project, that began two years ago and is estimated to have cost £13 million. Political commentator Mervyn Simmonds explains that the policy is “ an unusual, but potentially inspired idea”.

“Gigantism is an area that has seldom been looked upon by political parties. I think by creating a huge clone of himself, the public are likely to now look upon David Cameron as a man they can trust” he said

Others, such as popular online political blogger Macquack69 disagree. “It is a plan that could well backfire. With the beast in place, the public may well ask if there is any point in listening to the original David Cameron” he said

DC XL, as the monster politician is to be known, will partake in a campaign tour of Britain from March, with the Conservative Party confident that his presence will significantly boost public interest towards their election plan.

In response to the morning’s activities, Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, simply gave a four word expletive when asked to comment on his enlarged counterpart. At time going to press, no comments have been retrieved from Downing Street, but it is understood that preparations have been made for Prime Minister Gordon Brown to go in to hiding should David’s Goliath be used for sinister means.

After the press conference, DC XL was taken in to storage where he will stay until the March tour. No decisions have been made over what contribution, if any, he will make to the creation of the Conservative election manifesto.