Celebrity News With Graham Chips

Jon Snow admits that he hates Channel 4. "The channel is f*****g sh*te. Full of pompous morons who munch on cheese and enjoy watermelons. And the viewers are tw*ts, they can suck my d*ck and make my tea" said the iconic newsreader

Tottenham Hotspur striker Darren Bent plays for Tottenham Hotspur. The star was spotted playing for Tottenham Hotspur against Hull City last weekend. "I'm Darren Bent and I play for Tottenham Hotspur" the Tottenham Hotspur striker Darren Bent was heard to remark whilst playing for Tottenham Hotspur

Boy George is in trouble again! The 80's icon was seen knocking off a policeman's helmet in London last week, before running away. "One of the other boys dared him to do it" said a source.

Former Prime Minister John major is to release his own fragrance. "After much discussion, I've concluded that its an incredibly sensible thing to do. I smell wonderful" said the tremendous man of mystery.

Lily Allen is embarking on a new career as a fur coat. "Its something I've always wanted to do, and I get what I want" said the privileged singer

Film Reviews for October

President Dog!

The latest Disney venture see’s double Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis go barking mad as he sees the USA’s elect his pet pooch, Chief, as its “lead”er!

The Republican party is trouble! Out of office and out of favour with the public, they need a strong leader to regain their fallen congress majority. Who better to solve this Dog’s Dinner than man’s best friend himself! Follow Chief, our four legged, wet nosed, butt sniffing chum who captures the hearts (and votes) of the American public!

"President Dog!" is a tale of trust, friendship and immense power that will delight the whole family. Laugh along with Chief as he declares a war on cats and gains the trust of his party by forcing lazy scum off welfare with his “Bark to Work” scheme. Daniel Day Lewis is superb as the hapless dog owner who has to keep Chief’s paw off the button! This is one Chief worthy of hailing – if you want a movie with real bite, be sure to catch "President Dog!"

www.presidentdogthemoviewoof.com

Well ‘Ard Geeza’s

Disgruntled footballer Tommy Guvnor (Danny Dyer) gets involved with a cockney gang of looters who hatch up a plot to nick Johnny Golfballs’ (Englebert Humperdink) dosh! Only trouble is, equally dangerous and cheeky wise geezer Jimmy Bubblebath (Jason Statham) is after the same moolah!

The latest film from critic’s favourite Guy Ritchie creates a window in to the East End, packed with birds, motors and guns to thrill blokes the world over. A memorable scene involving wotsits will send admirers of penis jokes rolling in the aisles, and adrenaline junkies are well catered for with a fantastic high speed bendy bus chase.

With Dyer and Statham giving their usual stunning performances as rock solid Guvnor and Bubblebath, this is a movie that’s sure to be a Well ‘Ard hit

http://www.bunchoftwats.com/

Joy as Mccain announces new album

Presidential campaigns and country dancing aside, 72 year old John Mccain is undoubtedly most loved for his unique singing voice and enjoyably unorthodox song writing abilities. Excitement rippled across America therefore upon the news last week that Mccain is taking some time out from his busy schedule to record his 18th studio album, entitled “John Mccain – Home Again”. The news came as a very welcome surprise to music fans throughout the world, many of whom believed that due to the ageing Mccain’s political ambitions, his sensational falsetto voice would be on permanent hiatus.

Rumours first emerged of Mccain’s return to the studio at the Democratic Party Conference last month. Mccain was understood to be disturbed by remarks made by his presidential rival Barack Obama, about his previous 1998 release “Mccain u believe it”. Obama was overheard ridiculing the experimental garage album, apparently describing it as "likeable to a fiendish chipmunk's giggle" and "a squeaky disaster”

Determined to win back any credibility he may have lost from this mockery, Mccain reportedly set to work on the long awaited follow up, and wasted no time in recruiting Cannon and Ball to produce the project. Rap superstar Jay Z has also recorded a duet with Mccain entitled “99 houses (owned by me)”, which is reportedly to be the first single. Any hope of a duet with campaign partner Sarah Palin however was dashed upon the realisation that Palin believes music to be the “Spawn of Satan”. Her singing voice, according to the inhabitants of Alaska, was also described as sounding like “the squawk of a drunken puffin”

Fans of Mccain’s music, such as Magnum P.I. actor Tom Selleck, are struggling to hide their excitement over the news of the forthcoming album. Selleck commented to all who’d listen that

“A new dawn has broken and given the world hope. From it, a voice so high, so clear, so awe inspiring; a voice that tells us we have nothing to be afraid of, no reason to fear, no need for bass. Plus Jay Z’s on it, who’s quite good I’m told”

Producer Bobby Ball added “It’s good to see John Mccain back to doing what he does best, Cannon and I were honoured when he asked us to produce.” Asked if there were any zany surprises on the album in store courtesy of the hilarious pair, Ball responded “Could be! It may be Mccain’s project, but it wouldn’t be fair to rob his listeners of some humorous quips between squeaks”

"Meat" Magazine's Fucking Celeb Section...

Celebrities spotted!!!!



This week.......



- Eastender's Star Adam Woodyat serenading a Squirrel in Margate...



- Gossip frontman Beth Ditto selling stylist Gok Wan to Mick Hucknall, as London Mayoral candidate Boris Johnson applauds.



- Tennis star Tim 'Tennis' Henman morris dancing whilst weeping in Trafalger Square



- American Hard cheese Bruce Willis with his head stuck in some park railings in Norwich



- Jeremy Vine laughing at a prostitute



- Dame Helen Mirren repeatedly punching Nelson Mandela as he attempts to stop her from jetting to the moon



- Drugs sensation Richard Bacon and actor Kevin Bacon buying shares in Danish Bacon. Coincidently, neither of them are fond of Bacon

Celebrity news with Graham Chips

This week's celebrity news with Britain's top showbiz detective Graham Chips

Cricket legend Ian Botham refused to comment on tearaway cricketer
Andrew Flintoff when he was interviewed this week. "I only talk about
wheat now, ask me about wheat" said the wheat loving sports star

Lily Allen has lashed out at Martin Luther King in her latest myspace
blog. "All this civil rights stuff is a load of old b*****ks, when was
the last time he had a number one single?" wrote the privileged singer

Kate Moss doesn't care if she is done up the arse by a dinosaur. "Bring
it on - they don't scare me!" said the coked up British icon

Elton John has refused to apologise to France after calling all french
people w*nkers last week. "I'm Elton John, I can do as I please" said
the chunky singer

Preston from celebrity Big Brother insists that he is still famous. "I
was in the Ordinary Boys" said the smug young man to everyone he saw
last week.

John Prescott has no plans to launch a pop career in the near future.
"Rub my tummy" said the former deputy prime minister

STARS ATTEND PREMIERE FOR NEW HANCOCK PICTURE

Crowds gathered in the terrestrial rain at Leicester Square last night
to greet the stars at the premiere of Nick Hancock's new film "Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares". The picture is believed to be the filmmaker's most controversial to date, fusing Hancock's usual brand of madcap humour with footage of radical Islamic Terrorist plots, rather than the clips of lower league football that have made him famous.

As it has with all his previous films, Hancock's latest venture has
received its fair share of pre release criticism. Critics have so far
lamented Hancock for straying too far from his usual area of expertise, and that his unique style of humour will not transfer effectively to footage of death and suffering as it does with football based bloopers. Hancock's general ignorance on the subject of Radical Islam has also caused concern amongst screen watchdogs, who fear phrases such as 'Allah Ballah bing bong' or "The Man in the Iron Mosque" that can be found in Hancock's narration will cause offence to and provoke a backlash from British Muslims.

At the premiere last night, Hancock, who dazzled the crowd wearing a
sensational purple Versace Ball gown, defended his work saying:

"This is exactly what was said about "Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares" when it was released all those years ago. No one before me dared to see the funny side of football - now it happens all the time. Shows like Soccer AM or Fantasy football often mix the beautiful game with humour - it has become the norm; I fully believe that in a couple of years, the same will be thought of about Jihad"

When asked if he was concerned with the criticism, especially as no one had yet seen the film, Hancock responded with

"I fully expected it. For decades artists like myself have been hounded over our work that time has since proved to be highly influential and a pioneering force, so I'm not at all concerned. I've beaten them before, I'm certain I'll do it again"

Patient fans waited for hours in the rain to catch a glimpse of celebrities and they were not left dissapointed. Amongst those who arrived were Danny Baker, who signed 3 autographs, Bobby Ball and pop singer Kavanagh.

"Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares" is released nationwide this Friday.

Last nights T V, 18th July 2001

24

This much hyped new black comedy from the USA, which made its UK debut
transmission on BBC2 last night turned out to be a huge disappointment.
In fact "24" barely produced half that number of laughs in its entire 40
minute running time. The series follows wacky Jack Bauer, played by the
usually reliable Keifar Sutherland, as he tries to juggle his chaotic
home life with his equally eventful career as a government terrorist
agent. The Bauer family consists of wisecracking wife Terri, played
by Leslie Hope, who's constant look of fear stifles her already weak gags,
and teenage tearaway Kim (Elisha Cuthbert), who's painfully unfunny
performance offers no sanctuary to Jack and Terri's lack of humour.
Bauer's workplace, the Counter Terrorism Unit, does not fare any
better. Awful visual jokes involving big chins and facial hair failed to
raise a smile, and the deadpan delivery of dialogue left me feeling
cold. We are also introduced to a second family in the course of the
episode, that of black presidential candidate David Palmer, but alas. no
relief here either - laughs are forced as smutty innuendo about rape and
murder become the order of the day with this entirely unoriginal "family
from hell".
The main problem with "24" is that it tries to fuse a number of comedy
styles at once, but fails miserably at every one. I feel that the
programme makers have spent far too much time trying to make it 'cutting
edge' and as a result have forgotten to make it funny. There are just
too few jokes, often huge chunks of laugh free dialogue come and go with
only a tired gag at the end to show for it. Another concern is that the
studio audience stay deadly silent during the majority of the programme,
suggesting to me that if the studio can't get their own audience to take
in the poor jokes and excruciating slapstick of Bauer and co, how do
they expect to convince viewers worldwide?
In this day and age, there really is no need for comedies like "24"
that are all hype and no humour. All in all, I can name well over 24
reasons why "24" is to be avoided, the first and foremost being it is not
funny.