Dawkins to Host Controversial Chlidren's Programme

Committed Atheist Richard Dawkins is no stranger to controversy. Following on from being the recognisable face of the “There is no God” bus campaign, the 67 year old author is set to launch a new series on the BBC digital channel “CBeebies” entitled “Santa Clause and Other Lies”.

The programme, aimed at pre-schoolers will explain via a variety of songs and dances that childish principles of myths insufficiently backed up by scientific proof will result in a life littered with unhappiness.

Co hosting with Dawkins will be Darwin, an animated monkey who can quote the complete work of Dawkins, and Hugh Manist a 7 foot tall inflatable dinosaur with a 4 octave singing voice.

“Children, especially those aged between 0 and 4, are force fed lie upon lie everyday about the world and I feel it is time I redressed the balance” Dawkins said

“Having single handily convinced the adult world that there is no God with my books and busses, I feel it unfair that children should miss out on my enlightened thoughts on atheism.”

The series has provoked an angry response from Evangelical groups over its use of antagonist characters such as “Adolf the Christian”, a devilish German cat voiced by Jeremy Irons who verbally bullies Dawkins, Darwin and Hugh whilst on screen. They are planning to once again boycott the BBC in protest.

Lead protestor Tony De Collins believes that Dawkins and the BBC have gone too far.

“We’ve discussed our options with God, and he has instructed us to boycott this blasphemous organisation while he thinks about what to do”

“All I can say at this point is that he is absolutely furious about these developments, and is currently seeking legal advice over what punishments he is lawfully allowed to bestow” he said

Dawkins appeared relaxed when presented with these forewarnings of doom however

“I guess my busses were too intellectual for them! Perhaps they should watch ‘Santa and Other Lies’ that should deliver the message in a language they can understand. C*nts” remarked the academic in an unusual display of uncouth attitude.

“If God does deliver a terrible punishment upon us all, I will be the first to admit that there is egg on my face. Until then however, I shall be released amongst the children and there is nothing they can do about it” he added.

CBeebies will air the first of six episodes of ‘Santa Clause and Other Lies’ on Tuesday 5th May.

Egg and Spoon Race Champion Stripped of Title

After the previous week’s prolonged celebrations, the St Russell’s Primary School Egg and Spoon race champion Simon Mcswithern was yesterday ordered to hand back his title due to shocking revelations that he is not a student of the Margate comprehensive.

Mcswithern, 37, stormed to victory in the 50 metre dash, where contestants are required to balance a hen’s egg on a 2" by 4" tablespoon, beating 8 year old Nicholas Lyndhurst in second place by nearly 2 seconds. The schoolboy was hailed as a sporting revelation by the national press in the week that followed, and considered to be a hot prospect for the next “Fun Olympics” held in 2011.

However, it has since become apparent that Mcswithern was not a pupil at St Russell’s at the time of winning, having in fact left the school nearly 30 years earlier. He was ordered to hand back his prize, with Lyndhurst given the title in his place. When asked to explain his actions, the boy claimed that he had merely forgotten to inform the school of his change in age and circumstance before taking part in the event.

“I am saddened to be stripped of my title of Egg and Spoon race champion 08/09, but would like to stress that my actions were in no way deliberate; it was never my intention to deceive all of those at the sports day” Mcswithern said

“I was not aware of the restrictions of which I was violating and hope that I will not be looked upon as a cheat as it was simply a misunderstanding of the rules”.

St Russell’s Head teacher Moira Thomas said that she was reluctant to take away the prize from the schoolboy, but felt that the rules of the race should be honoured

“It is a shame, as Simon was delighted to win last week and his victory was joy to watch. But the rules clearly state that any contestant must be a current pupil of the school, and Simon unfortunately it seems left us a considerable time ago”

Former school governor Sylvan Distin has blasted the organisers of the event – saying that they should have checked each contestant more rigorously before allowing them to compete.

“This is an embarrassment for all those involved in this prestigious sports day. This shouldn’t have been allowed to happen and hope from now on checks will be put in place to ensure that 6ft men in their thirties do not compete in these games in the future”

Mcswithern’s crown will now be awarded to runner up Lyndhurst, who although pleased to hold the title, feels his victory is tarnished.

“Of course its great to be a winner, but to be a winner by default leaves a bitter taste. Despite the irregularities, I believe that Simon was the clear victor and any advantages he may have had by not being a student here are inconsequential” the 8 year old said

“It is a shame that red tape has undermined what was in my opinion a terrific sporting achievement” the schoolboy graciously added.

Further Details over Goodwin Pension Fiasco

The government were faced with further scrutiny this week as it was revealed that Sir Fred Goodwin, recently retired CEO of RBS has been given the honour of having the country named after him. It is said that the United Kingdom will be renamed “Fredland” by late 2010.

The details of Goodwin’s early retirement agreement pension have already been subject to heavy criticism due to the 50 year CEO’s entitlement to a yearly pension of £693,000. It is expected therefore that further details emerging about rebranding of the nation to honour the 50 year old banker will be met with a similar lever of condemnation.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown insisted he knew nothing about the latest controversy, telling Sky News he only became aware of the agreement a few days ago.

“I am quite shocked about these new developments and will do everything I can to stop them taking place” he said before boarding a plane to Obamaland “The inconvenience of renaming the entire country to Fredland would be monstrous and would be an insult to our heritage and all those who have died to defend it”

However Sir Fred has no plans to reverse the contractual agreement and has promised full legal action to make sure it is honoured
"I am told that you indicated that you were aware of my entitlement and that no further gestures would be required," Sir Fred wrote in an open letter to the treasury. “I can think of no one more deserving of this prestigious honour than myself and will fight tooth and nail to ensure that we are all inhabitants of Fredland by next year

Shadow chancellor George Osbourne said that the situation regarding Goodwin’s pension agreement was “getting more and more ridiculous every day”

“This highlights once again the current government’s severe incompetence. Anyone can see that I am far more deserving of having the country named after me. I am deeply hurt by this” he said in an interview with Ian Wright

It is understood that borders between Wales and Scotland are to be scrapped, with all three nations to be united under Fred. The contract also reportedly gives Goodwin the right to ban any reference of cultural heritage from all three nations after the name change, with Sir Fred expressing in his aforementioned open letter that he intends to do just that.

“Seeing that Scotland and Wales have achieved nothing of note in their entire history, I have no problem in eliminating them along with England when my time comes. We shall all be Fredlish, and only I will be allowed money” he wrote in one of the more frightening passages of his letter.

Although the specifics of the agreement are still unclear, it remains unlikely that Goodwin will have the power to actually run the country of his name.

Brit Awards 2009

The stars of British music were out in force at the annual Brit Award’s ceremony at Earl’s Court last night with several surprises amongst the winners at the annual celebration. Favourites Coldplay sensationally walked away empty handed, losing out in all four of the categories for which they had been nominated. In addition, the multi million selling four-piece were ordered to hand over their wallets, jewellery and items of clothing to staff at gunpoint, and were left to wander home naked, penniless and humiliated.

The biggest surprise of the night however belonged to the Best British Breakthrough Act category. Female solo artists Adele and Duffy were left dumfounded as they were pipped to the post by footballer Solomon Kalou. Kalou, who is not British and has never released any music in any format was greeted with a rapturous response as he took to the stage to collect his award, previously won by the likes of The Fratellis and Mika. The athlete appeared lost and confused as he thanked the audience and his Chelsea teammates for what is undoubtedly the biggest accolade of his career.

As expected, all four international categories including “Best Album” and “Best International Female” were won by President Barack Obama, who unfortunately did not attend the ceremony as he had “other matters to attend to”. However, an email sent by a white house representative, featuring exceptionally foul language, was read to the audience by former foreign secretary Geoffrey Howe upon each Obama victory.

The night also focussed heavily on the “Brit School”, who’s alumni include The Kooks and Bruno Brookes. A nuclear weapon was set to explode if the Croydon based youth academy was not mentioned at least four times every minute.

The night, as is so common at the Brit Awards, was not without incident. Joint host Sue Barker, who was jeered throughout, finally lost patience in the second hour, grinding the show to a halt as she dived into the audience and savaged portly Radio 1 disc jockey Chris Moyles, of whom she believed to be responsible for the majority of the abuse. Quick thinking co host Bernie Clifton then hastily mentioned the Brit School three times during the violence, narrowly avoiding Nuclear disaster. Moyles was taken to hospital shortly afterwards, and is said to be in a critical condition.

The whole show was broadcast live on ITV1, although the estimated 2 million viewers at home did not witness any presentations or speeches, due to scheduled advertising breaks.

Conservatives shock parliament with outlandish election plan

The Conservative Party today unveiled a bold new tactic in a move that has sent pulses racing throughout Westminster. A 10 foot 6 inch clone of leader David Cameron, created by scientists funded by the University of Leicester was revealed to the public at a 9am press conference at Party headquarters. “With this giant version of me I believe the Conservatives have sent a serious message to the British public that we are ready to govern.” Cameron said “A message to Labour that enough is enough – the time for change is now!” boomed his colossal double with hands the size of deckchairs.

Polls have already shown an increased swing to the Conservatives, with public expressing a positive response to the project, that began two years ago and is estimated to have cost £13 million. Political commentator Mervyn Simmonds explains that the policy is “ an unusual, but potentially inspired idea”.

“Gigantism is an area that has seldom been looked upon by political parties. I think by creating a huge clone of himself, the public are likely to now look upon David Cameron as a man they can trust” he said

Others, such as popular online political blogger Macquack69 disagree. “It is a plan that could well backfire. With the beast in place, the public may well ask if there is any point in listening to the original David Cameron” he said

DC XL, as the monster politician is to be known, will partake in a campaign tour of Britain from March, with the Conservative Party confident that his presence will significantly boost public interest towards their election plan.

In response to the morning’s activities, Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, simply gave a four word expletive when asked to comment on his enlarged counterpart. At time going to press, no comments have been retrieved from Downing Street, but it is understood that preparations have been made for Prime Minister Gordon Brown to go in to hiding should David’s Goliath be used for sinister means.

After the press conference, DC XL was taken in to storage where he will stay until the March tour. No decisions have been made over what contribution, if any, he will make to the creation of the Conservative election manifesto.

BBC's Lawson in Hot Water over Offensive Quip

The BBC last night found themselves bombarded with a record number of viewer complaints over hurtful and damaging comments uttered by the host of a live broadcast of Newsnight review. 6.7 million complaints were received from angry viewers in just under 3 hours after regular presenter Mark Lawson was heard to sum up the Smash Hit Abba based musical feature “Mamma Mia” as “poor” on Friday Night’s edition of the programme. Thousands of fans of the movie that became the fastest selling DVD in British history lined the streets outside television centre as soon as 10 minutes after the transmission, many burning models and pictures of the 47 year presenter in protest.

“These ignorant comments are just another example of the BBC’s quest to pervert the minds of our nation’s people.” said Deborah Pog, leader of the pressure group “Whinge Alliance” and stern supporter of Mamma Mia.
“After the appalling misconduct displayed by the BBC during the Brand-Ross-Sachs scandel, I’m sickened that such awful lies about a wonderful film were allowed to be broadcast. Shame on you BBC, shame on you!”

The controversy adds to the long list of scandals that have plagued the BBC throughout 2008, and an apology from director Mark Thompson was released in the early hours of the morning

“It has come to my attention that one of our senior presenters has angered many of you with his scathing criticism of an art form that has formed a strong bond in all our hearts. The BBC would like to apologise sincerely for these offensive remarks and categorically state that they are in no way representative of the organisation’s feeling towards Mamma Mia. I would like to assure all our viewers that we consider the comments completely unacceptable and will penalize Mark Lawson to the full extent of our power”

As chants of “Hang Lawson” echoed around television centre from the restless crowd, many of whom dressed as their favourite members of Abba, BBC executives arranged an emergency meeting with Lawson in attendance. His fate is due to be revealed later on this evening based on the results of a public phone in poll, with current polls showing a 66% approval of execution. If this was to reflect the final result, Lawson will be the first BBC presenter to be destroyed since Toby Anstis’ scathing comments about the Dido album “White Flag” six years ago.

BBC 2 in the mean time have attempted to quell the public’s thirst for blood by showing a non stop live interview with one of the star’s of Mamma Mia, Julie Walters that will continue until further announcements. At the time going to press Walters, 52, is in her ninth hour answering questions over the making of the world’s greatest film.

Fears For Big Willie's Sanity As Latest Interview Leaves Hollywood Baffled

Entertainer Will Smith has sparked new fears for his general mental wellbeing after a short interview with showbiz magazine "Style Enquirer" prompted an unpredictable response from the star. Answering questions on his 2004 Smash Hit comedy "Hitch", Smith spouted often incomprehensable outbursts that left his interviewer very confused.

One source said "We were expecting a normal boring interview about his successful, but largely foregettable romantic comedy, but we got something quite different. None of us know what to make of it really"

Fellow Hollywood thespian Judi Dench commented "It is concerning - Willie always has been the wiggedy wiggedy wild type, but this suggests to me that something's wrong here"

The interview in question is transcribed below:

Do you believe in what Hitch says - that every woman out there is just waiting to be swept off her feet?

Moisten the tips with flavoured wax, and enjoy!

Were you a smooth operator in your dating days?

Yes. Let fish be the dish of the day!

What happened to you?

Irritable back spasms, trapped in a jungle.

And like Hitch you had an allergic reaction that ruined your chances with a girl. Is that right?

Hunters Chicken

Do things go smoother when you were dating [Matrix star] Jada [Pinkett-Smith]?

Who?

What's the worst dating advice you've ever been given?

Squaggle squak creamy mcscroggins dejohnson 2 1

How did you enjoy getting kissed by Kevin James?

Every line sings and every dingle lacks a uncle. USA! USA! USA!

On a serious note, do you think we'll ever see a romantic comedy where a black man gets together with a white woman?

Lunchy Munchy mmm?

Review: "I'm Bloody Well In Love, Bugger"

“I’m Bloody Well In Love – Bugger!”

Hugh Grant stars as a loveable paparazzi photographer who’s heart is put to the test when he “develops” a (harmless) obsession with his latest scoop. This new comedy, penned by Romcom favourite Richard Curtis sees Grant’s Darcy as an average, bumbling tabloid stalker who’s life is transformed when he is assigned to acquire snaps of world famous period drama actress Christabel Windsor (Keira Knightly) looking drunk.

The forces of Cupid however prove too strong for Darcy as, against character, he falls hopelessly in love with the young star in a delightful 140 minutes packed with naughty words and hilarious misunderstandings. Grant gives his usual solid comedy performance as the oafish pap who just can’t get it right (until the end, when he does) – just try not to laugh when he drops his camera right in front of his desired target, then swears several times!

Set in a beautiful London backdrop with snow, kittens and smiles, “I’m Bloody Well In Love, Bugger” is a romantic delight that teaches us all that life can be beautiful if your very rich and white.

“I’m Bloody Well In Love” opens Friday
www.anotherfilmdepictingbritain-as-seen-by-hollywood-hacks.com

Celebrity News With Graham Chips

Jon Snow admits that he hates Channel 4. "The channel is f*****g sh*te. Full of pompous morons who munch on cheese and enjoy watermelons. And the viewers are tw*ts, they can suck my d*ck and make my tea" said the iconic newsreader

Tottenham Hotspur striker Darren Bent plays for Tottenham Hotspur. The star was spotted playing for Tottenham Hotspur against Hull City last weekend. "I'm Darren Bent and I play for Tottenham Hotspur" the Tottenham Hotspur striker Darren Bent was heard to remark whilst playing for Tottenham Hotspur

Boy George is in trouble again! The 80's icon was seen knocking off a policeman's helmet in London last week, before running away. "One of the other boys dared him to do it" said a source.

Former Prime Minister John major is to release his own fragrance. "After much discussion, I've concluded that its an incredibly sensible thing to do. I smell wonderful" said the tremendous man of mystery.

Lily Allen is embarking on a new career as a fur coat. "Its something I've always wanted to do, and I get what I want" said the privileged singer

Film Reviews for October

President Dog!

The latest Disney venture see’s double Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis go barking mad as he sees the USA’s elect his pet pooch, Chief, as its “lead”er!

The Republican party is trouble! Out of office and out of favour with the public, they need a strong leader to regain their fallen congress majority. Who better to solve this Dog’s Dinner than man’s best friend himself! Follow Chief, our four legged, wet nosed, butt sniffing chum who captures the hearts (and votes) of the American public!

"President Dog!" is a tale of trust, friendship and immense power that will delight the whole family. Laugh along with Chief as he declares a war on cats and gains the trust of his party by forcing lazy scum off welfare with his “Bark to Work” scheme. Daniel Day Lewis is superb as the hapless dog owner who has to keep Chief’s paw off the button! This is one Chief worthy of hailing – if you want a movie with real bite, be sure to catch "President Dog!"

www.presidentdogthemoviewoof.com

Well ‘Ard Geeza’s

Disgruntled footballer Tommy Guvnor (Danny Dyer) gets involved with a cockney gang of looters who hatch up a plot to nick Johnny Golfballs’ (Englebert Humperdink) dosh! Only trouble is, equally dangerous and cheeky wise geezer Jimmy Bubblebath (Jason Statham) is after the same moolah!

The latest film from critic’s favourite Guy Ritchie creates a window in to the East End, packed with birds, motors and guns to thrill blokes the world over. A memorable scene involving wotsits will send admirers of penis jokes rolling in the aisles, and adrenaline junkies are well catered for with a fantastic high speed bendy bus chase.

With Dyer and Statham giving their usual stunning performances as rock solid Guvnor and Bubblebath, this is a movie that’s sure to be a Well ‘Ard hit

http://www.bunchoftwats.com/

Joy as Mccain announces new album

Presidential campaigns and country dancing aside, 72 year old John Mccain is undoubtedly most loved for his unique singing voice and enjoyably unorthodox song writing abilities. Excitement rippled across America therefore upon the news last week that Mccain is taking some time out from his busy schedule to record his 18th studio album, entitled “John Mccain – Home Again”. The news came as a very welcome surprise to music fans throughout the world, many of whom believed that due to the ageing Mccain’s political ambitions, his sensational falsetto voice would be on permanent hiatus.

Rumours first emerged of Mccain’s return to the studio at the Democratic Party Conference last month. Mccain was understood to be disturbed by remarks made by his presidential rival Barack Obama, about his previous 1998 release “Mccain u believe it”. Obama was overheard ridiculing the experimental garage album, apparently describing it as "likeable to a fiendish chipmunk's giggle" and "a squeaky disaster”

Determined to win back any credibility he may have lost from this mockery, Mccain reportedly set to work on the long awaited follow up, and wasted no time in recruiting Cannon and Ball to produce the project. Rap superstar Jay Z has also recorded a duet with Mccain entitled “99 houses (owned by me)”, which is reportedly to be the first single. Any hope of a duet with campaign partner Sarah Palin however was dashed upon the realisation that Palin believes music to be the “Spawn of Satan”. Her singing voice, according to the inhabitants of Alaska, was also described as sounding like “the squawk of a drunken puffin”

Fans of Mccain’s music, such as Magnum P.I. actor Tom Selleck, are struggling to hide their excitement over the news of the forthcoming album. Selleck commented to all who’d listen that

“A new dawn has broken and given the world hope. From it, a voice so high, so clear, so awe inspiring; a voice that tells us we have nothing to be afraid of, no reason to fear, no need for bass. Plus Jay Z’s on it, who’s quite good I’m told”

Producer Bobby Ball added “It’s good to see John Mccain back to doing what he does best, Cannon and I were honoured when he asked us to produce.” Asked if there were any zany surprises on the album in store courtesy of the hilarious pair, Ball responded “Could be! It may be Mccain’s project, but it wouldn’t be fair to rob his listeners of some humorous quips between squeaks”

"Meat" Magazine's Fucking Celeb Section...

Celebrities spotted!!!!



This week.......



- Eastender's Star Adam Woodyat serenading a Squirrel in Margate...



- Gossip frontman Beth Ditto selling stylist Gok Wan to Mick Hucknall, as London Mayoral candidate Boris Johnson applauds.



- Tennis star Tim 'Tennis' Henman morris dancing whilst weeping in Trafalger Square



- American Hard cheese Bruce Willis with his head stuck in some park railings in Norwich



- Jeremy Vine laughing at a prostitute



- Dame Helen Mirren repeatedly punching Nelson Mandela as he attempts to stop her from jetting to the moon



- Drugs sensation Richard Bacon and actor Kevin Bacon buying shares in Danish Bacon. Coincidently, neither of them are fond of Bacon

Celebrity news with Graham Chips

This week's celebrity news with Britain's top showbiz detective Graham Chips

Cricket legend Ian Botham refused to comment on tearaway cricketer
Andrew Flintoff when he was interviewed this week. "I only talk about
wheat now, ask me about wheat" said the wheat loving sports star

Lily Allen has lashed out at Martin Luther King in her latest myspace
blog. "All this civil rights stuff is a load of old b*****ks, when was
the last time he had a number one single?" wrote the privileged singer

Kate Moss doesn't care if she is done up the arse by a dinosaur. "Bring
it on - they don't scare me!" said the coked up British icon

Elton John has refused to apologise to France after calling all french
people w*nkers last week. "I'm Elton John, I can do as I please" said
the chunky singer

Preston from celebrity Big Brother insists that he is still famous. "I
was in the Ordinary Boys" said the smug young man to everyone he saw
last week.

John Prescott has no plans to launch a pop career in the near future.
"Rub my tummy" said the former deputy prime minister

STARS ATTEND PREMIERE FOR NEW HANCOCK PICTURE

Crowds gathered in the terrestrial rain at Leicester Square last night
to greet the stars at the premiere of Nick Hancock's new film "Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares". The picture is believed to be the filmmaker's most controversial to date, fusing Hancock's usual brand of madcap humour with footage of radical Islamic Terrorist plots, rather than the clips of lower league football that have made him famous.

As it has with all his previous films, Hancock's latest venture has
received its fair share of pre release criticism. Critics have so far
lamented Hancock for straying too far from his usual area of expertise, and that his unique style of humour will not transfer effectively to footage of death and suffering as it does with football based bloopers. Hancock's general ignorance on the subject of Radical Islam has also caused concern amongst screen watchdogs, who fear phrases such as 'Allah Ballah bing bong' or "The Man in the Iron Mosque" that can be found in Hancock's narration will cause offence to and provoke a backlash from British Muslims.

At the premiere last night, Hancock, who dazzled the crowd wearing a
sensational purple Versace Ball gown, defended his work saying:

"This is exactly what was said about "Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares" when it was released all those years ago. No one before me dared to see the funny side of football - now it happens all the time. Shows like Soccer AM or Fantasy football often mix the beautiful game with humour - it has become the norm; I fully believe that in a couple of years, the same will be thought of about Jihad"

When asked if he was concerned with the criticism, especially as no one had yet seen the film, Hancock responded with

"I fully expected it. For decades artists like myself have been hounded over our work that time has since proved to be highly influential and a pioneering force, so I'm not at all concerned. I've beaten them before, I'm certain I'll do it again"

Patient fans waited for hours in the rain to catch a glimpse of celebrities and they were not left dissapointed. Amongst those who arrived were Danny Baker, who signed 3 autographs, Bobby Ball and pop singer Kavanagh.

"Nick Hancock's Jihad Nightmares" is released nationwide this Friday.

Last nights T V, 18th July 2001

24

This much hyped new black comedy from the USA, which made its UK debut
transmission on BBC2 last night turned out to be a huge disappointment.
In fact "24" barely produced half that number of laughs in its entire 40
minute running time. The series follows wacky Jack Bauer, played by the
usually reliable Keifar Sutherland, as he tries to juggle his chaotic
home life with his equally eventful career as a government terrorist
agent. The Bauer family consists of wisecracking wife Terri, played
by Leslie Hope, who's constant look of fear stifles her already weak gags,
and teenage tearaway Kim (Elisha Cuthbert), who's painfully unfunny
performance offers no sanctuary to Jack and Terri's lack of humour.
Bauer's workplace, the Counter Terrorism Unit, does not fare any
better. Awful visual jokes involving big chins and facial hair failed to
raise a smile, and the deadpan delivery of dialogue left me feeling
cold. We are also introduced to a second family in the course of the
episode, that of black presidential candidate David Palmer, but alas. no
relief here either - laughs are forced as smutty innuendo about rape and
murder become the order of the day with this entirely unoriginal "family
from hell".
The main problem with "24" is that it tries to fuse a number of comedy
styles at once, but fails miserably at every one. I feel that the
programme makers have spent far too much time trying to make it 'cutting
edge' and as a result have forgotten to make it funny. There are just
too few jokes, often huge chunks of laugh free dialogue come and go with
only a tired gag at the end to show for it. Another concern is that the
studio audience stay deadly silent during the majority of the programme,
suggesting to me that if the studio can't get their own audience to take
in the poor jokes and excruciating slapstick of Bauer and co, how do
they expect to convince viewers worldwide?
In this day and age, there really is no need for comedies like "24"
that are all hype and no humour. All in all, I can name well over 24
reasons why "24" is to be avoided, the first and foremost being it is not
funny.          

SOCK THIEF BUSHELL SEIZED BY POLICE

Gary Bushell, one of the country's leading tabloid journalists, is today in
Police custody after being arrested at his London home late last night. The
bearded journalist, 53, has been accused of stealing millions of pounds worth of
socks, with a sizable amount of pairs found in the star's home following a
police raid on his flat in north London. Police estimate the street value of the
seized clothing to be in the region of '2 to 3 million pounds', with Bushell now
facing a lengthy community service sentence if found guilty on charges of theft.

Suspicions of Bushell's activities first arose two weeks ago, when the London
Metropolitian police received an anonymous phone call, claiming that Bushell had
been seen racing out of a house in Lewisham clutching two plastic bags filled
with assorted socks. With an approximate number of 5 million reported sock
thefts remaining unsolved every year in the London area alone, not including an
undoubtedly higher number of unreported sock incidents, the Metropolitan Police
believed this sighting to be a significant lead.

Chief inspector Nigel Gumm last night spoke of the investigation that resulted
in Bushell's arrest. He said

"Sock theft has for years gone unnoticed as most people will put their
disappearance down to their own stupidity, believing that they themselves have
"just lost them". As a result the socks are quickly replaced and 95% of the
time, the crime goes unreported. Having seen the amount of socks Bushell had in
his possession last night, we here suspect that the reasons for these missing
socks are far more sinister than mere misplacement, and by catching Bushell, we
have helped to prevent many more socks being taken from their owners"

Bushell meanwhile has told police that the seized items were all legally payed
for, and in a statement read out by his lawyer after the arrest claimed his
reasoning for owning so many pairs of socks was because he

"really, really like socks". "Why should a man be reprimanded because he likes
to collect - are Disc Jockeys arrested because of they own large numbers of
records? Why am I being singled out because my collection is unique. Its
ridiculous" the statement went on to read.

The Journalist's arrest has opened up debate throughout the country about sock
misplacement, with many people now convinced he is responsible for their own
socks going missing. Mabel Price of Northamptonshire told us

"The fact that Bushell has managed to make his crimes look as if it was the
victims fault shows what a dangerous man he is. For years, I believed that my
socks went missing because I had lost them, but now I know it was Bushell all
along, I am very very angry that he has managed to do this time and time again."

George Mildred of Kent thought that he saw saw Bushell in his home six months
ago, but like so many, dismissed what he saw as nothing important
"I did see what looked like a bearded man crawling around in the Living room a
few months back, but I thought it was just the dog - they do look quite
similar.Now I think about it there are a couple of pairs of socks that I haven't
seen in a while, so it could have been him"

Even friends of Bushell spoke of sock based experience they've had with him in
the past which at the time they did not feel was suspicious. Fellow "The Sun"
journalist Trevor 'backstabber' Simon said this shortly after Bushell's arrest

"I do remember when Gary was last at my house he asked me if he could borrow a

pair of my socks for work the next day as he had ran out of clean ones. I never

did get them back. Seeing the amount of socks that were in his house last night,
I'm now struggling to believe that he had genuinely ran out of clean ones"

Bushell's court case is due to begin on 7th May 2007. If found guilty he faces a
14 year community service punishment with an additional fine of up to £30,000. It is as yet unknown what will become of the woolen footwear

SPORT: ENGLAND SHIRTS BLAMED FOR CURRENT POOR FORM

Scientists have this week come up with a reason into why the England
football team have failed to perform to their full ability in recent
months - the colour of the shirt. Using top midfielders Stuart Downing
and Phillip Neville, of Middlesbrough and Everton respectively, for
their experiments, football scientists have discovered that players can
only respond to colours similar to that of the shirts of their current
club.

These conclusions were made after the two stars were asked to sit alone
in a dark room, which contained a screen and a projector, which
projected a bold colour on to the screen every 20 seconds. Whilst
Downing was unresponsive as as the colours of white, green, blue, yellow
and purple were presented before him, upon the showing of red he was
heard to shout

"Red! The fine hue of the mighty Boro! The Riverside, Gareth Southgate,
Glory, Glory, oh yes!, how I love all things Middlesbrough!"

before the colour black was shown, and Downing instantly fell silent.

Scientist Dr Gayton Boneham, after speaking to the England winger at
the experiment's end said

"Stuart had no recollection of his exclamations after the experiment
was over, when I asked him if perhaps his commitment to England, who
play in white, was not quite what it was for his club, who play in red,
he was adamant that his international commitment was unparalleled and he
will silence his critics imminently"

However, Downing later admitted that as England play in white, instead
of Middlesbrough's red, he often gets confused as to which side he's
playing for when out on international duty:

"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Middlesbrough's red, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty" the 23 year old stated.

A similar outcome developed when when Everton midfielder Phillip
Neville was tested next. Upon being presented with a blue screen,
Neville was heard to bellow "Blue, blue, the blue of Everton, of which
my loyalty now lies, hurrah for the Toffees!". Once again, the player
fell silent as another colour was projected seconds later.

When questioned post experiment if he has trouble adapting to the
colour of the England shirt when he was required to do so, Neville
responded with:

"Obviously, as England play in white, instead of Everton's blue, I
often get confused as to which side I'm playing for when out on
international duty"

This remarkably similar statement have led Dr Boneham and his team to
believe that it is the National team's shirt that is the source of the
current woe washing over Steve McClaren's squad.

While the experiment has been met with doubts, one being that Downing
and Neville are possibly not the best subjects to base such an
experiment regarding the entire England team on, its results are set to
radically reform the England set up. England boss McClaren and the FA
insist that changes must be made to the player's on field attire. One
suggestion put forward by FA Chief Brian Barwick was that the players
all wear their club shirts whilst on international duty. This was
instantly rejected by the remaining members of the FA boardroom, who
labelled the idea as 'retarded'.

Another idea that was looked upon more favourably, from an, as yet,
unknown source, suggested that the England team should keep the
traditional white shirts, but each player should wear a set of glasses
with coloured tinted lenses, that resemble the shirts of each player's
club. For example, Steven Gerard of Liverpool would be required to wear
spectacles with red lenses, so the white England shirt would appear red,
while Frank Lampard of Chelsea would wear blue lens glasses.
Aaron Lennon and Paul Robinson of Tottenham would not require any specs
at all, while it was decided for the sake of his mental health, it was
best that Keiron Dyer of Newcastle was no longer selected for England
duties.