Dawkins to Host Controversial Chlidren's Programme

Committed Atheist Richard Dawkins is no stranger to controversy. Following on from being the recognisable face of the “There is no God” bus campaign, the 67 year old author is set to launch a new series on the BBC digital channel “CBeebies” entitled “Santa Clause and Other Lies”.

The programme, aimed at pre-schoolers will explain via a variety of songs and dances that childish principles of myths insufficiently backed up by scientific proof will result in a life littered with unhappiness.

Co hosting with Dawkins will be Darwin, an animated monkey who can quote the complete work of Dawkins, and Hugh Manist a 7 foot tall inflatable dinosaur with a 4 octave singing voice.

“Children, especially those aged between 0 and 4, are force fed lie upon lie everyday about the world and I feel it is time I redressed the balance” Dawkins said

“Having single handily convinced the adult world that there is no God with my books and busses, I feel it unfair that children should miss out on my enlightened thoughts on atheism.”

The series has provoked an angry response from Evangelical groups over its use of antagonist characters such as “Adolf the Christian”, a devilish German cat voiced by Jeremy Irons who verbally bullies Dawkins, Darwin and Hugh whilst on screen. They are planning to once again boycott the BBC in protest.

Lead protestor Tony De Collins believes that Dawkins and the BBC have gone too far.

“We’ve discussed our options with God, and he has instructed us to boycott this blasphemous organisation while he thinks about what to do”

“All I can say at this point is that he is absolutely furious about these developments, and is currently seeking legal advice over what punishments he is lawfully allowed to bestow” he said

Dawkins appeared relaxed when presented with these forewarnings of doom however

“I guess my busses were too intellectual for them! Perhaps they should watch ‘Santa and Other Lies’ that should deliver the message in a language they can understand. C*nts” remarked the academic in an unusual display of uncouth attitude.

“If God does deliver a terrible punishment upon us all, I will be the first to admit that there is egg on my face. Until then however, I shall be released amongst the children and there is nothing they can do about it” he added.

CBeebies will air the first of six episodes of ‘Santa Clause and Other Lies’ on Tuesday 5th May.

Egg and Spoon Race Champion Stripped of Title

After the previous week’s prolonged celebrations, the St Russell’s Primary School Egg and Spoon race champion Simon Mcswithern was yesterday ordered to hand back his title due to shocking revelations that he is not a student of the Margate comprehensive.

Mcswithern, 37, stormed to victory in the 50 metre dash, where contestants are required to balance a hen’s egg on a 2" by 4" tablespoon, beating 8 year old Nicholas Lyndhurst in second place by nearly 2 seconds. The schoolboy was hailed as a sporting revelation by the national press in the week that followed, and considered to be a hot prospect for the next “Fun Olympics” held in 2011.

However, it has since become apparent that Mcswithern was not a pupil at St Russell’s at the time of winning, having in fact left the school nearly 30 years earlier. He was ordered to hand back his prize, with Lyndhurst given the title in his place. When asked to explain his actions, the boy claimed that he had merely forgotten to inform the school of his change in age and circumstance before taking part in the event.

“I am saddened to be stripped of my title of Egg and Spoon race champion 08/09, but would like to stress that my actions were in no way deliberate; it was never my intention to deceive all of those at the sports day” Mcswithern said

“I was not aware of the restrictions of which I was violating and hope that I will not be looked upon as a cheat as it was simply a misunderstanding of the rules”.

St Russell’s Head teacher Moira Thomas said that she was reluctant to take away the prize from the schoolboy, but felt that the rules of the race should be honoured

“It is a shame, as Simon was delighted to win last week and his victory was joy to watch. But the rules clearly state that any contestant must be a current pupil of the school, and Simon unfortunately it seems left us a considerable time ago”

Former school governor Sylvan Distin has blasted the organisers of the event – saying that they should have checked each contestant more rigorously before allowing them to compete.

“This is an embarrassment for all those involved in this prestigious sports day. This shouldn’t have been allowed to happen and hope from now on checks will be put in place to ensure that 6ft men in their thirties do not compete in these games in the future”

Mcswithern’s crown will now be awarded to runner up Lyndhurst, who although pleased to hold the title, feels his victory is tarnished.

“Of course its great to be a winner, but to be a winner by default leaves a bitter taste. Despite the irregularities, I believe that Simon was the clear victor and any advantages he may have had by not being a student here are inconsequential” the 8 year old said

“It is a shame that red tape has undermined what was in my opinion a terrific sporting achievement” the schoolboy graciously added.

Further Details over Goodwin Pension Fiasco

The government were faced with further scrutiny this week as it was revealed that Sir Fred Goodwin, recently retired CEO of RBS has been given the honour of having the country named after him. It is said that the United Kingdom will be renamed “Fredland” by late 2010.

The details of Goodwin’s early retirement agreement pension have already been subject to heavy criticism due to the 50 year CEO’s entitlement to a yearly pension of £693,000. It is expected therefore that further details emerging about rebranding of the nation to honour the 50 year old banker will be met with a similar lever of condemnation.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown insisted he knew nothing about the latest controversy, telling Sky News he only became aware of the agreement a few days ago.

“I am quite shocked about these new developments and will do everything I can to stop them taking place” he said before boarding a plane to Obamaland “The inconvenience of renaming the entire country to Fredland would be monstrous and would be an insult to our heritage and all those who have died to defend it”

However Sir Fred has no plans to reverse the contractual agreement and has promised full legal action to make sure it is honoured
"I am told that you indicated that you were aware of my entitlement and that no further gestures would be required," Sir Fred wrote in an open letter to the treasury. “I can think of no one more deserving of this prestigious honour than myself and will fight tooth and nail to ensure that we are all inhabitants of Fredland by next year

Shadow chancellor George Osbourne said that the situation regarding Goodwin’s pension agreement was “getting more and more ridiculous every day”

“This highlights once again the current government’s severe incompetence. Anyone can see that I am far more deserving of having the country named after me. I am deeply hurt by this” he said in an interview with Ian Wright

It is understood that borders between Wales and Scotland are to be scrapped, with all three nations to be united under Fred. The contract also reportedly gives Goodwin the right to ban any reference of cultural heritage from all three nations after the name change, with Sir Fred expressing in his aforementioned open letter that he intends to do just that.

“Seeing that Scotland and Wales have achieved nothing of note in their entire history, I have no problem in eliminating them along with England when my time comes. We shall all be Fredlish, and only I will be allowed money” he wrote in one of the more frightening passages of his letter.

Although the specifics of the agreement are still unclear, it remains unlikely that Goodwin will have the power to actually run the country of his name.

Brit Awards 2009

The stars of British music were out in force at the annual Brit Award’s ceremony at Earl’s Court last night with several surprises amongst the winners at the annual celebration. Favourites Coldplay sensationally walked away empty handed, losing out in all four of the categories for which they had been nominated. In addition, the multi million selling four-piece were ordered to hand over their wallets, jewellery and items of clothing to staff at gunpoint, and were left to wander home naked, penniless and humiliated.

The biggest surprise of the night however belonged to the Best British Breakthrough Act category. Female solo artists Adele and Duffy were left dumfounded as they were pipped to the post by footballer Solomon Kalou. Kalou, who is not British and has never released any music in any format was greeted with a rapturous response as he took to the stage to collect his award, previously won by the likes of The Fratellis and Mika. The athlete appeared lost and confused as he thanked the audience and his Chelsea teammates for what is undoubtedly the biggest accolade of his career.

As expected, all four international categories including “Best Album” and “Best International Female” were won by President Barack Obama, who unfortunately did not attend the ceremony as he had “other matters to attend to”. However, an email sent by a white house representative, featuring exceptionally foul language, was read to the audience by former foreign secretary Geoffrey Howe upon each Obama victory.

The night also focussed heavily on the “Brit School”, who’s alumni include The Kooks and Bruno Brookes. A nuclear weapon was set to explode if the Croydon based youth academy was not mentioned at least four times every minute.

The night, as is so common at the Brit Awards, was not without incident. Joint host Sue Barker, who was jeered throughout, finally lost patience in the second hour, grinding the show to a halt as she dived into the audience and savaged portly Radio 1 disc jockey Chris Moyles, of whom she believed to be responsible for the majority of the abuse. Quick thinking co host Bernie Clifton then hastily mentioned the Brit School three times during the violence, narrowly avoiding Nuclear disaster. Moyles was taken to hospital shortly afterwards, and is said to be in a critical condition.

The whole show was broadcast live on ITV1, although the estimated 2 million viewers at home did not witness any presentations or speeches, due to scheduled advertising breaks.

Conservatives shock parliament with outlandish election plan

The Conservative Party today unveiled a bold new tactic in a move that has sent pulses racing throughout Westminster. A 10 foot 6 inch clone of leader David Cameron, created by scientists funded by the University of Leicester was revealed to the public at a 9am press conference at Party headquarters. “With this giant version of me I believe the Conservatives have sent a serious message to the British public that we are ready to govern.” Cameron said “A message to Labour that enough is enough – the time for change is now!” boomed his colossal double with hands the size of deckchairs.

Polls have already shown an increased swing to the Conservatives, with public expressing a positive response to the project, that began two years ago and is estimated to have cost £13 million. Political commentator Mervyn Simmonds explains that the policy is “ an unusual, but potentially inspired idea”.

“Gigantism is an area that has seldom been looked upon by political parties. I think by creating a huge clone of himself, the public are likely to now look upon David Cameron as a man they can trust” he said

Others, such as popular online political blogger Macquack69 disagree. “It is a plan that could well backfire. With the beast in place, the public may well ask if there is any point in listening to the original David Cameron” he said

DC XL, as the monster politician is to be known, will partake in a campaign tour of Britain from March, with the Conservative Party confident that his presence will significantly boost public interest towards their election plan.

In response to the morning’s activities, Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, simply gave a four word expletive when asked to comment on his enlarged counterpart. At time going to press, no comments have been retrieved from Downing Street, but it is understood that preparations have been made for Prime Minister Gordon Brown to go in to hiding should David’s Goliath be used for sinister means.

After the press conference, DC XL was taken in to storage where he will stay until the March tour. No decisions have been made over what contribution, if any, he will make to the creation of the Conservative election manifesto.

BBC's Lawson in Hot Water over Offensive Quip

The BBC last night found themselves bombarded with a record number of viewer complaints over hurtful and damaging comments uttered by the host of a live broadcast of Newsnight review. 6.7 million complaints were received from angry viewers in just under 3 hours after regular presenter Mark Lawson was heard to sum up the Smash Hit Abba based musical feature “Mamma Mia” as “poor” on Friday Night’s edition of the programme. Thousands of fans of the movie that became the fastest selling DVD in British history lined the streets outside television centre as soon as 10 minutes after the transmission, many burning models and pictures of the 47 year presenter in protest.

“These ignorant comments are just another example of the BBC’s quest to pervert the minds of our nation’s people.” said Deborah Pog, leader of the pressure group “Whinge Alliance” and stern supporter of Mamma Mia.
“After the appalling misconduct displayed by the BBC during the Brand-Ross-Sachs scandel, I’m sickened that such awful lies about a wonderful film were allowed to be broadcast. Shame on you BBC, shame on you!”

The controversy adds to the long list of scandals that have plagued the BBC throughout 2008, and an apology from director Mark Thompson was released in the early hours of the morning

“It has come to my attention that one of our senior presenters has angered many of you with his scathing criticism of an art form that has formed a strong bond in all our hearts. The BBC would like to apologise sincerely for these offensive remarks and categorically state that they are in no way representative of the organisation’s feeling towards Mamma Mia. I would like to assure all our viewers that we consider the comments completely unacceptable and will penalize Mark Lawson to the full extent of our power”

As chants of “Hang Lawson” echoed around television centre from the restless crowd, many of whom dressed as their favourite members of Abba, BBC executives arranged an emergency meeting with Lawson in attendance. His fate is due to be revealed later on this evening based on the results of a public phone in poll, with current polls showing a 66% approval of execution. If this was to reflect the final result, Lawson will be the first BBC presenter to be destroyed since Toby Anstis’ scathing comments about the Dido album “White Flag” six years ago.

BBC 2 in the mean time have attempted to quell the public’s thirst for blood by showing a non stop live interview with one of the star’s of Mamma Mia, Julie Walters that will continue until further announcements. At the time going to press Walters, 52, is in her ninth hour answering questions over the making of the world’s greatest film.

Fears For Big Willie's Sanity As Latest Interview Leaves Hollywood Baffled

Entertainer Will Smith has sparked new fears for his general mental wellbeing after a short interview with showbiz magazine "Style Enquirer" prompted an unpredictable response from the star. Answering questions on his 2004 Smash Hit comedy "Hitch", Smith spouted often incomprehensable outbursts that left his interviewer very confused.

One source said "We were expecting a normal boring interview about his successful, but largely foregettable romantic comedy, but we got something quite different. None of us know what to make of it really"

Fellow Hollywood thespian Judi Dench commented "It is concerning - Willie always has been the wiggedy wiggedy wild type, but this suggests to me that something's wrong here"

The interview in question is transcribed below:

Do you believe in what Hitch says - that every woman out there is just waiting to be swept off her feet?

Moisten the tips with flavoured wax, and enjoy!

Were you a smooth operator in your dating days?

Yes. Let fish be the dish of the day!

What happened to you?

Irritable back spasms, trapped in a jungle.

And like Hitch you had an allergic reaction that ruined your chances with a girl. Is that right?

Hunters Chicken

Do things go smoother when you were dating [Matrix star] Jada [Pinkett-Smith]?

Who?

What's the worst dating advice you've ever been given?

Squaggle squak creamy mcscroggins dejohnson 2 1

How did you enjoy getting kissed by Kevin James?

Every line sings and every dingle lacks a uncle. USA! USA! USA!

On a serious note, do you think we'll ever see a romantic comedy where a black man gets together with a white woman?

Lunchy Munchy mmm?